In the Life of a Woman…

Author: Team xMonks | Published on: Thu, 03 Feb 2022 18:07:58 +0000

You just need one person in an entire family to release the past patterns and the reactive tendencies and gift a generative future to the next generation. The question is are you willing to be that person?

This time on The xMonks Drive, Kathy Caprino, a leadership coach who has dedicated her life to the advancement of women in business, joins us to share her beliefs and show us the path of purpose.

Women with Voice

Gaurav: How can women deal with the environment that they’re born into so that their voice does not get compromised?

Kathy: My therapeutic training comes into play to answer this question. There are two ways to look at it. I work with so many women from Asian cultures, Indian cultures, Jewish women, and I'm Greek and Italian, and we all have our own things. So to answer your big question, there are some family systems where there is room for change, and there are some where there isn't room for change. I think, over the years, what my mother and I have come to do is, I don't challenge my mom. Politically, we don't talk about it. Because it's not comfortable for her to be challenged. So sometimes there's room. 

So let's say, you have a narcissistic parent as I have, and I have worked with a lot of people who have had narcissism in their lives. When you've had narcissism in a parent, you often don't know how to speak up for yourself because it's damaging and scary, because if you spoke up to the narcissist, it would go very bad. So, in those types of systems, you're not just going to suddenly come out and start challenging them. So, you have to be sensitive to how much room and play there is. Now, I do want to address it in the corporate world. 

I really believe that you can say anything when you say it with love in your heart, compassion, and empathy. People say to me, there's no love going on in my workplace. Okay, not love. How about empathy? So, if I'm going to have you work for me, and I'm going to have to tell you something that's hard to say, and for you hard to hear, if I can say it with empathy, it's going to go better. 

So, the final answer to your question is that in work in the working world, women have to learn how to speak up for themselves. That's the only way our world will change. We believe what we see. And when we begin to see stronger, more confident, assertive women, we begin to get it. But that doesn't mean being harsh, cruel, and critical. It can be very gentle. You can be very powerful, and yet be loving and kind and spiritual and gentle.

Gaurav: You can be very kind. You could be very polite in communicating your voice and your expression.

Dealing with a Narcissist

Gaurav: I believe that all of us are born into dysfunctional families. We are raised by a narcissist. It's a loud statement, but I personally believe in that. How do you recognise that you are in the company of a narcissist or an emotional manipulator? How do you recognise that or how do you deal with that?

Kathy: When we talk about narcissism, I don't mean some pop-culture definition, I mean, narcissistic personality disorder. And disorders can be looked at on a scale on a spectrum. So, you can be a 1 out of 10 or 10 out of 10, or anywhere in between. 

And they have a mix of traits that are easy to suss out. 

1. They can't be challenged. So, if you say, “I don't agree with what you did”, it's going to go badly and if you are with an extreme narcissist, there is murderous rage. They will drum you and I have experienced this in my workplace with my senior leader. I challenged him, and when I went to HR, they said, “Okay, we see what you're talking about. You have to talk to him directly.” Big mistake! So, he insisted we walk around the building, and while he smoked, I told him, “Here's what's happening, I don't feel you're supporting me in public. I don't.” So, number one, you can't challenge them. 
2. It's a disorder because they didn't get what they needed, or something didn't happen for them, and they got wounded. So, they have no empathy. If you and I disagreed, I could have an empathetic understanding of your position. But they won't put themselves in your shoes. 
3. They somehow feel they're better than other people. They're entitled to things. “I don't need to stand in this line. I'm too important.” You can see it in the athletic world, the sports world, in politics. You’ve got people who think they don't need to abide by a country's rules because “I'm who I am.” And so the list goes on. 

So, If you're dealing with an extreme narcissist, let's say you're unhappy in your marriage, usually taking them on straight is never going to work and you're going to get crushed. There's a way, the other thing that's difficult when you're raised by a narcissist. They have a wound and are trying to fill it. And that is often trying to make sure that children are the paragon of everything. They're going to Ivy League schools, they're the best on the soccer team, they got straight A's. 

So, what happens is children of narcissists never feel like they're enough. Because love is conditional. I'm only going to love you when you're getting straight A's. When you're at the top of your class. It almost feels like love is withheld unless you meet certain conditions. That's what emotional manipulation is. I won't give you love. I won't give you support. Unless you're doing this. These parents push their kids so hard that they forget to love them. And that's so painful. It's worse than painful, it will damage your child's life.

Facing the Cage of Fear

Gaurav: I am personally working with a couple of women from different walks of life, from different geographies. They say that they cannot move out of what they do because their husband would not appreciate it. They cannot move out of this country because they don't think that they will be able to settle in any other country, and yet something is stopping them. If it is fear, how can we get in the cage and face that fear?

Kathy: The first thing is choosing the thing that is hurting you the most right now. All families are not dysfunctional rather all situations have a potential for dysfunction. All situations have a potential for dysfunction, all systems, all families, all workplaces, so the first thing to do is to look at the thing that hurts the most. Identify, what is the current conversation you must have that you are not having? But look at what hurts the most. You can't change what somebody said. I remember I was just doing a webinar. “I want a podcast act, do this right bubble.” I was like, “Okay, hang on, okay. I love it that you want to do all that. But you have to focus. If you try to do seven things, you're not going to do them.” 

Interestingly, if you tell me, “It's my spouse who doesn't want me to do this.” I will tell you this as a marriage and family therapist, as a couple’s therapist, something that was really unusual. The couple was fighting over something. I asked them this question, “Can you say to me that you want to see your spouse, grow and achieve their highest potential, no matter what that looks like?” Surprisingly, none of them could say yes to that. One guy was wanting his wife not to work, so she would drive him to and from the train station every day. What do you need that for? “Take an Uber!” 

And this goes both ways. This is not just a feminist view. But as long as we stay in this country, as long as we only have three children, pick the thing that you want to do the most. And most likely, if you've held back from it, there's somebody you've got to talk to, that is doing this. This does not mean that I am turning over a whole system like a marriage because I have lived it, I have worked with a ton of people in therapy and coaching. But I would ask you, what's the life you came here to live? And what are you sacrificing? What are you giving up? On yourself, in yourself, in your potential? I want you to look at when you're 90, looking back, let's say you're 100 on your deathbed. What do you want to have done with this life? And who are you allowing to be in the way of that?

About the Speaker

Kathy Caprino LLC provides a wide range of career and leadership development programmes, seminars, training, products, and coaching services to help professionals "find brave," extend their impact, and illuminate the world through their work and leadership. Kathy's organisation now has a comprehensive Coaching Team of top-level, renowned coaches and advisers who work with professionals ranging from new college graduates to mid- to high-level professionals and C-Suite executives who want to have a long-term positive impact.

Her own experiences inspire her to help women create true breakthroughs in order to attain their most ambitious and exciting objectives and ambitions. She worked as a corporate marketing executive for 18 years, rising through the ranks of publishing, marketing, and product management.

She has been giving professional advancement training for the past 16 years and has become a Senior Forbes writer with her column "Career Bliss," as well as a powerful voice on LinkedIn and Thrive Global. She has spoken at over 200 corporate and leadership conferences and events, and has been featured in over 100 top media outlets as an expert source on women at work, careers, leadership, and more, offering effective strategies for thriving through change and taking control of our lives and careers to make the impact and difference we desire.

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